atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
