and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
