i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
