dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
