I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
