just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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