It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
