I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
