She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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