Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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