When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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