forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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