I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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