i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
