My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
