Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
