Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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