I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
