If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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