I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So vagazzling was a success
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize