Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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