i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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