you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
