I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
