Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
