I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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