shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
