I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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