I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
