so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
