I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
