Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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