I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
