I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
