Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
