I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
