It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
