She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
