I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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