can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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