Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's blow job season.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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