I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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