It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize