I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
