I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
