So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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