i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
