Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
