we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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