I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
