Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
