There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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