I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
