I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
