HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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