Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
