I'm going to rape someone's good day.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
