Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
