Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
