No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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