i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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